Despairing out loud

I like to think of myself as a happy person, an outgoing and optimistic person, but lately I have slipped into what can only be described as despair. So this post might seem a little dark but it is more about exploration. Whilst I am still going through the normal actions of my day-to-day life there is an underlying voice screaming out ‘What is the point?’. My response to this voice is to ask ‘Well, what do you want?’ and then there is silence. I have already abandoned my previous desires such as a fast car, a big flashy house, a successful business because I have realised that these things are most definitely not going to deliver me the happiness and the peace I expected. This peace and happiness is internal, I already have it! So if I already have it, what am I still looking for?

Perhaps I am still clinging to the idea that we should all be moving towards something, progressing towards an end goal. Societal pressures of aiming to buy a bigger car, get that promotion, get that new job, to give us the illusion of progression. But, do we really need progression? What benefit is progression if it is only feeding the system of consumption which in turn is slowly destroying the planet, and inevitably us, its inhabitants, eventually. Are we so conditioned that we can’t be happy, or feel purposeful, by just sitting, listening, enjoying our surroundings, or just the sound of our own breath. So maybe I am feeling a bit lost because I have no direction, but feel that I should. Maybe the resistance is coming from my ego, my mind-made self because it fears death. This is a good thing, this is separation from the material world, of illusionary form, and a return to oneness, to source.

Perhaps the despair I am feeling is of being useless, or a feeling of helplessness. There are so many ‘problems’ facing mankind and they just seem to continue and I am powerless to change them. I see hungry people on the streets clinging to their drug addictions and I just want to help but how? Do they want help? We have scientists, respected scientists, the world over, informing us of the damage we are doing to our atmosphere, to our waterways, to people, animals, trees etc through our day-to-day lives. Their pleas fall of deaf ears as people continue, afraid, or uninformed, to unintentionally do damage. If this information is already out there in abundance, how can I possibly help to reverse these problems? I know that I can change, and I have already started to make huge changes, but I am just one little person out of 7 billion. There is comfort in the fact that people all over the world are starting to stand up for their rights, such as in Turkey, Brazil and Egypt. People are starting to realise their power so perhaps the odds are starting to fall in favour of change. In which case, adding one more person to this growing movement is enough to keep it going.

Perhaps the feelings I am having are of loneliness. I am surrounded by lovely and amazing people but they just don’t seem to have the same concerns as me, or the same interests. Maybe I don’t let them in because I can see that they don’t quite have the same values as me. When I talk about the environment they just shrug it off and say things like ‘I’ll be dead by the time that happens!’ Which I guess is true but I kind of know that they see there time here as a finite thing. They don’t know, or think, like me, that their time in the body may be finite but their spirit, will be back, but will there be anything to come back to? Or are they not concerned that the children they may have in the future will inherit an Earth in even more chaos as us. I should find people who share the same spiritual and ethical beliefs as me, and surround myself with them. A group of people, together, resonate, and transmit a frequency that has the power to help heal the world.

I feel like I am growing, obviously physically, but also spiritually and mentally. I am on a spiritual journey! My ramblings may sound depressing but I actually find them enlightening in the written form. Deep down I know that there is no wrong, or right, forwards or backwards, only the now, and to be present in the now is the most important part. So I am meant to be here right now, I am meant to be sharing these words. I am meant to be having, what seems to be, inner turmoil, for what reason I do not know, and I may not ever know, I just have to accept it, and be with it.

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